Blogging Revisited

When my sister died I stopped blogging about everything. As a result, I never document the events of the day Chris died.

She was being cared for around the clock by hospice nurses. The day before she died the morning nurse suspected that she would not make it another 24 hours. The night nurse suspected there was some reason why she was still holding on.

That night when I was laying in bed it hit me. I never allowed her to say goodbye to the girls. So in the morning after I got ready for work I talked to Chris (she had been unconscious) and I brought Lexi to her. Lexi said "goodbye" and "I love you" and then gave her a kiss. I brought Emily to her and she touched Chris' face. I then left for work.

My mom called me at 10:30 telling me the nurse didn't think she had much longer so I went home. She layed there lifeless other than the periodic moan. Her hands and feet were very cold and her stomach was swollen as her kidneys were no longer working.

My mom and I spent the rest of the day sitting with her telling her it was ok to let go. Oscar came home and entertained the girls while we spent our last day with Chris.

Shift change came at 7:00. The first hospice nurse that ever cared for her was here. We were all so happy to see her. The nurse we had the last few nights did not want to be there when she passed as she felt she had gotten too close to me (We used to talk late at night).

Everyone Chris wanted around her as she passed was there. Me, mom, Paul, and Oscar. We all sat in the living room and waited. I put the girls to bed. Emily had a very difficult time sleeping that night. I put her in my room and she fell asleep around 9:00.

As I sat on the couch for what I thought was going to be a long night, the nurse called us in after 10 minutes - it was time. We were all around her bed as she drew her last breaths. I had remained so strong for so long that when her breathing stopped I just started crying and couldn't stop. I immediately left the room. My made me go back in and look at her. It wasn't Chris anymore. Just an empty shell.

The hospice Chaplain came and talked to us. My dad and Phyllis showed up. By 11:00 everyone was gone and the house was quiet and everyone was in bed. I couldn't sleep. It felt like I wasn't alone in the house.

The next few days were a blur. The days after mom and i went to the funeral home to make final arrangements. I spent much of the next few days (and weeks) crying.

We had two services. One at my moms church for just family and a huge one for Broward Sheriff's office that I spoke at. The first one was harder even though the second was much larger. Lexi kept asking where Chris was and we just told her she was in heaven. We did not let the girls attend the services.

6 weeks later we had the cremation service where she was placed permanently. The girls attended that one. My dad broke down finally. Losing a child is the worst thing a parent could ever go through. As painful as it has been for me I cannot begin to imagine how it affected my parents.

Its been six months and we have all moved on with our lives. Lexi still talks about Chris and I think about her everyday. The pain comes in waves and I know it will for a while. I lost a part of me when she died and that will stay with me forever.

Still Holding on..............

I am not sure why Chris is still here but she is still holding on. Her breathing is very shallow and fast and she still has fevers all of the time. I don't know why she is still her. I think its because she doesn't want to leave the girls.

This morning I brought Lexi in to say good bye to her. She told Chris she loved her and that she would she her soon. I hope that helps her.

No more tylenol

The tylenol is no longer working to bring down the fevers. She was burning up all night. Her fever would go as high as 103 and they tylenol would only bring it down to 101. the problem is that her body is now attacking her transplanted organs since she isn't on the anti-rejections any more. The nurse says its just time for her to go home and we all agree.

We are stopping the tylenol. Ultimately it is the best thing for her as stifling the fever is just prolonging things. I told Chris is was ok for her to let go. My mom told her the same thing. Chances are the high fever will put her into a coma or she will have another stroke. I am not sure what is going to happen today.............

My mom had an amazing experience

She was at my house yesterday and the girls were napping. She had her hands over her face and she was talking to her mom to help her get through this awful time. All of a sudden she felt pressure like someone put their hands on her shoulders and felt a sudden calmness about everything. Looks like both grandma and nana are in my house right now.

Chris is holding on.

Chris in true form is fighting. Her organs are no longer working except for maybe her heart. Her blood pressure is still in normal range but she no longer has any bladder control and she has constant on and off fevers.

Of all her organs her heart has always been the strongest. That is why her blood pressure is pretty normal still. She does not really respond to us anymore. I will sit next to her and hold her hand and talk to her and all she does is twitch her eyes but she cannot open them. This is just dragging on so long. I want this to be over for her sake already. She deserves to be free from her earthy body that has failed her so terribly.

We are all ready, including Chris. We are just waiting at this point. All arrangements have been made and she has seen everyone that is closest to her. All we can do now is pray for God to release her from this world.

Approaching the end of the journey

We don’t have much time left. Christine is fading away. She barely wakes up now and when she does stir she is not really “here”. Yesterday she woke up and tried to talk to me but I really couldn’t understand what she was trying to tell me. She has been getting off and on fevers from the dehydration. Her blood pressure is starting to drop and her breathing is becoming erratic.

Something else happened yesterday that startled me. When my father was back there talking to Chris she stared out the window and asked where nana was. My nana died when I was 14. I didn’t realize until today what really happened.

My brother’s girlfriend is into the meta physical. Occasionally she can see and feel spirits. Yesterday she was overcome with energy in my house. She got dizzy and started sweating. That usually means that a spirit is present. The name Al and Alex kept coming to her and she didn’t know why. That was my grandfather’s name. So it seems Chris saw our grandfather and was asking him where Nana was. She also sensed that something significant was going to happen on Thursday.

For some reason this revelation has brought me great peace. It has helped me come to the realization that Chris is going to be cared for and protected in her journey to the other side.

Oscar doesn’t necessarily believe it, but that is ok.

I spoke too soon.

Yesterday afternoon was complete chaos. Chris woke up around 2:30. She was ok when she first woke. She had a couple of bites of sherbet and a couple of sips of water and that was it. All of a sudden she started laying in the fetal position like she was in pain. When asked if she was in pain she nodded no. She could not speak. Mom tried to talk to her and all she did was moan. She did not even respond when Lexi tried to hold her hand.

I came home early to see what was going on. I got home around 4:20. I tried to talk to her and she looked like she was conscious but not really. When I tried to talk to her it was like she wanted to speak but couldn’t. She would not squeeze my hand either. Her stomach was also quite swollen. The dehydration is starting to affect her.

The nurse, Carmen, took her temperature and she had a fever of 104. I am pretty sure she had a mini seizure. Carmen gave her a tepid sponge bath while I ran out to get Tylenol suppositories. By the time I got back Carmen had gotten her tempt down to 101.5. She then gave her the suppository.

At this point she was able to speak to me a little bit. I would call her name and she would look at me and say “huh”. I asked if she wanted sherbet and she said ok. She kept zoning in and out of consciousness whenever I tried giving her a bite. She took 3 bites. She fell asleep and I decided to leave her alone. She slept the entire night.

I am pretty sure it was a mini seizure but we just don’t know. The nurse said the dehydration is what is doing this to her.

She woke this morning and I was able to talk to her a little. I told her what happened the previous day and she remembers none of it. After talking to her for a few minutes she decided she wanted to go back to sleep. I suspect she will be sleeping a lot today.

She woke up around midday and I talked to her again. She doesn’t sound right to me. I can’t place it but she just sounds off. She swears that she is ok. She says she is not weak and not tired. I asked mom how she looked. Mom said that she looks exhausted and she is very pale. Mom made her some broth and now she is sleeping again. She is having some nausea so I suspect it is from her kidneys not working well or possibly not at all.