Blogging Revisited
When my sister died I stopped blogging about everything. As a result, I never document the events of the day Chris died.
She was being cared for around the clock by hospice nurses. The day before she died the morning nurse suspected that she would not make it another 24 hours. The night nurse suspected there was some reason why she was still holding on.
That night when I was laying in bed it hit me. I never allowed her to say goodbye to the girls. So in the morning after I got ready for work I talked to Chris (she had been unconscious) and I brought Lexi to her. Lexi said "goodbye" and "I love you" and then gave her a kiss. I brought Emily to her and she touched Chris' face. I then left for work.
My mom called me at 10:30 telling me the nurse didn't think she had much longer so I went home. She layed there lifeless other than the periodic moan. Her hands and feet were very cold and her stomach was swollen as her kidneys were no longer working.
My mom and I spent the rest of the day sitting with her telling her it was ok to let go. Oscar came home and entertained the girls while we spent our last day with Chris.
Shift change came at 7:00. The first hospice nurse that ever cared for her was here. We were all so happy to see her. The nurse we had the last few nights did not want to be there when she passed as she felt she had gotten too close to me (We used to talk late at night).
Everyone Chris wanted around her as she passed was there. Me, mom, Paul, and Oscar. We all sat in the living room and waited. I put the girls to bed. Emily had a very difficult time sleeping that night. I put her in my room and she fell asleep around 9:00.
As I sat on the couch for what I thought was going to be a long night, the nurse called us in after 10 minutes - it was time. We were all around her bed as she drew her last breaths. I had remained so strong for so long that when her breathing stopped I just started crying and couldn't stop. I immediately left the room. My made me go back in and look at her. It wasn't Chris anymore. Just an empty shell.
The hospice Chaplain came and talked to us. My dad and Phyllis showed up. By 11:00 everyone was gone and the house was quiet and everyone was in bed. I couldn't sleep. It felt like I wasn't alone in the house.
The next few days were a blur. The days after mom and i went to the funeral home to make final arrangements. I spent much of the next few days (and weeks) crying.
We had two services. One at my moms church for just family and a huge one for Broward Sheriff's office that I spoke at. The first one was harder even though the second was much larger. Lexi kept asking where Chris was and we just told her she was in heaven. We did not let the girls attend the services.
6 weeks later we had the cremation service where she was placed permanently. The girls attended that one. My dad broke down finally. Losing a child is the worst thing a parent could ever go through. As painful as it has been for me I cannot begin to imagine how it affected my parents.
Its been six months and we have all moved on with our lives. Lexi still talks about Chris and I think about her everyday. The pain comes in waves and I know it will for a while. I lost a part of me when she died and that will stay with me forever.
She was being cared for around the clock by hospice nurses. The day before she died the morning nurse suspected that she would not make it another 24 hours. The night nurse suspected there was some reason why she was still holding on.
That night when I was laying in bed it hit me. I never allowed her to say goodbye to the girls. So in the morning after I got ready for work I talked to Chris (she had been unconscious) and I brought Lexi to her. Lexi said "goodbye" and "I love you" and then gave her a kiss. I brought Emily to her and she touched Chris' face. I then left for work.
My mom called me at 10:30 telling me the nurse didn't think she had much longer so I went home. She layed there lifeless other than the periodic moan. Her hands and feet were very cold and her stomach was swollen as her kidneys were no longer working.
My mom and I spent the rest of the day sitting with her telling her it was ok to let go. Oscar came home and entertained the girls while we spent our last day with Chris.
Shift change came at 7:00. The first hospice nurse that ever cared for her was here. We were all so happy to see her. The nurse we had the last few nights did not want to be there when she passed as she felt she had gotten too close to me (We used to talk late at night).
Everyone Chris wanted around her as she passed was there. Me, mom, Paul, and Oscar. We all sat in the living room and waited. I put the girls to bed. Emily had a very difficult time sleeping that night. I put her in my room and she fell asleep around 9:00.
As I sat on the couch for what I thought was going to be a long night, the nurse called us in after 10 minutes - it was time. We were all around her bed as she drew her last breaths. I had remained so strong for so long that when her breathing stopped I just started crying and couldn't stop. I immediately left the room. My made me go back in and look at her. It wasn't Chris anymore. Just an empty shell.
The hospice Chaplain came and talked to us. My dad and Phyllis showed up. By 11:00 everyone was gone and the house was quiet and everyone was in bed. I couldn't sleep. It felt like I wasn't alone in the house.
The next few days were a blur. The days after mom and i went to the funeral home to make final arrangements. I spent much of the next few days (and weeks) crying.
We had two services. One at my moms church for just family and a huge one for Broward Sheriff's office that I spoke at. The first one was harder even though the second was much larger. Lexi kept asking where Chris was and we just told her she was in heaven. We did not let the girls attend the services.
6 weeks later we had the cremation service where she was placed permanently. The girls attended that one. My dad broke down finally. Losing a child is the worst thing a parent could ever go through. As painful as it has been for me I cannot begin to imagine how it affected my parents.
Its been six months and we have all moved on with our lives. Lexi still talks about Chris and I think about her everyday. The pain comes in waves and I know it will for a while. I lost a part of me when she died and that will stay with me forever.
posted by Jeanne at
1:31 PM
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