A good day so far
Chris seems to be doing ok this morning. My mom actually found her best friend from high school and she called Chris. Rosemary is bringing two other of their high school friends and they are going to see Chris today. She is so excited to see her.
My mom said my sister sounded really upbeat. It is probably because she is excited to see her old friends. I am happy that we are able to give her this. Chris told my mom that this was the best gift she could have possible given her. Even if it just lifts her spirits temporarily it’s worth it.
My dad called Chris yesterday and apologized for stressing her out. He promised to respect her wishes. When my mom told me this I was shocked. This man has never apologized for anything in his entire life. I hope he means it when he says that he respects her wishes.
My mom is feeling guilty. Since Chris is feeling pretty good today my mom is starting to doubt things. She is thinking that “maybe” she can eat on her own and will be ok. I have had these thoughts myself. We have tried and it never works. Last week she ate pudding and ice cream and two days later she was getting sick. It is so hard because I hope that we are doing what is right for her. I always wonder “maybe she will be able to eat again.” I know deep down that is never going to happen and Chris knows it too. We just need to get past the emotional guilt. We know that truth and we just need to do our best to accept the fact that there is nothing we can do that will fix her stomach and make her able to eat. I really wish things were different. We have known for a long time that we would ultimately lose her. I didn’t realize God was going to force her to make that decision herself. That is the hardest thing to deal with. How do you make the conscience decision to let yourself die?
My mom said my sister sounded really upbeat. It is probably because she is excited to see her old friends. I am happy that we are able to give her this. Chris told my mom that this was the best gift she could have possible given her. Even if it just lifts her spirits temporarily it’s worth it.
My dad called Chris yesterday and apologized for stressing her out. He promised to respect her wishes. When my mom told me this I was shocked. This man has never apologized for anything in his entire life. I hope he means it when he says that he respects her wishes.
My mom is feeling guilty. Since Chris is feeling pretty good today my mom is starting to doubt things. She is thinking that “maybe” she can eat on her own and will be ok. I have had these thoughts myself. We have tried and it never works. Last week she ate pudding and ice cream and two days later she was getting sick. It is so hard because I hope that we are doing what is right for her. I always wonder “maybe she will be able to eat again.” I know deep down that is never going to happen and Chris knows it too. We just need to get past the emotional guilt. We know that truth and we just need to do our best to accept the fact that there is nothing we can do that will fix her stomach and make her able to eat. I really wish things were different. We have known for a long time that we would ultimately lose her. I didn’t realize God was going to force her to make that decision herself. That is the hardest thing to deal with. How do you make the conscience decision to let yourself die?
posted by Jeanne at
6:59 AM
2 Comments:
It's hard to know if you're ever doing the "right thing." I think having her friends come to see her was a stroke of genius. If she choses to go off the TPN the goal should be to make her last weeks the best they can be for her. You guys are already thinking along those lines.
The best thing you are doing is letting this be her decision. She needs to be at peace with it. If she is, then it will help you to be at peace too.
I also think the blogging is a good idea. It will help to be able to release some of those thoughts. It will also be a good chronicle for years from now when you want to remember how it really was during this time.
Thanks:) That is exactly why I am blogging about it. I want to remember what she went through. Memories fade with time and this won't:)
I miss our nightly chats.
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